F*ck

If only the world had a remote, a pause button. A way to stop the flapping mouths of the people around you, to stop the annoyance of having to think about everyone else. The option of distancing yourself long enough to clear your head, to regain a sense of what makes any of it worth it. This is not the case though, no one stops talking, nagging, bustling around. No one stops. The continuous hassle of being connected, the expectation to update every social networking website there is with something happy, witty, or fresh. Why should I care what validation every acquaintance of mine is trying to get? Because I really don't, I do not care. "No media" days should be a weekly requirement. Society is ruining itself.

sober and uninhibited

In my element once more. Getting to know new people over drinks. Teasing, laughing, exchanging adventures. Not inhibited, no pressure, simply enjoying good company. Interests bonding the promising new friendships being molded. Recreating the lost excitement in dreams. Helping goals gain greater momentum and importance through shared experience.

No more Hiding.

Almost ten months have passed since the event that changed me forever. Waking up to have the world I had come to know and love shattered. At first being in "zombie-mode," watching hours of television, not caring about what was on the screen as long as it would distract me from the thought of having to endure living without him. Then when that no longer worked finding comfort in drinking, drinking to hide from the emotions that would bubble to the surface in moments of sobriety. An opportunity presented itself that let me escape my world of hiding. It gave me responsibility and a new environment; for a time that was great. After it had become normal though, the thoughts and emotions that I didn't want to deal with presented themselves again.  After a time, unrelated to my misfortune, this new life fell apart. It was scary, and sudden--these new emotions and the old ones were too much to handle. I trusted in the liquid that had hidden them so well before. Now at a time when I'm trying to get back on my feet, a new job, a new place, I can't trust in drinking or any other form of hiding. I have to face what I've been through. I know it will be hard and I'll probably be an even bigger mess than I have been in the past few months. I also know that if I want to be able to think about him and only feel joy about the good times we shared instead of misery about the fact I'll never see him again--that I have to make a change and I have to try to work through all of this.

Organism

The human body- an amazing organism that many of us don't take care of the way that we should. Capable of truly awesome feats and yet we fill it with things that hurt or don't provide it with the nourishment it is designed to run off of. We selfishly devour things that entice our taste-buds and do little for the organism that keeps our consciousness in full functioning order. Here in the states we over fuel it with things that do no good while we sit on our asses and don't keep it in a healthy state of existence in which it could do so much more for us. It seems that the majority are on both extremes of bad care habits for ourselves. We either starve ourselves and work ourselves to hard to reach unattainable and unhealthy images to match what we see in the media or we gorge ourselves and over do it, giving in to the outrageous portion sizes we've come to see as normal avoiding the gym because we're embarrassed about our bodies. Sickly, healthy, or grossly out of proportion our bodies are beautiful organisms that we should love, cherish and never be embarrassed about. We hold in ourselves the knowledge of how to care for our specific needs and get to our healthiest image. You should never be embarrassed of trying to better yourself, it is something so many of us are too consumed with the frivolous to actually try to attain.

gone

soft eyes gaze down through thick lashes
the pace of my heart quickens
blood rushes to my cheeks
a smile touches the corners of his lips
the creases in his cheeks deepen

I bury my head in his chest
to hide the effect he has on me
his arms pull me deeper into the embrace
my fingertips trace images on his back
prolonging his hold of me

feeling safe in his arms
breathing him in, in silence
taking in the moment
wishing it to last longer than it will
knowing it will end soon

with a squeeze of my arms, it's over
pulling away a kiss graces my forehead
with a gaze I want to hold forever
and the words I'll talk to you soon
he turns on his heel and is gone.

disrupted dreams

The desire to fall asleep is completely gone. Sleep used to be refreshing, it used to give energy and a fresh perspective. Now it never comes and when it does I wish it hadn't. The dreams are full of angry clouds, pain, sadness, destruction, loved ones hurting, and I am helpless in all of it. Death seems to touch everything I care about before I can reach it. I awake weak with exhaustion from my restless slumber. Spending the day trying to reach a tolerable level of sorrow, attaining it just in time to start the cycle over again.

Apprehension of imminence

death is imminent. it will happen to each and every one of us. some speed up the process with their lifestyle choices, others choose to attempt to slow it. it does not change the outcome though. we will all die. what then comes next?-a popular curiosity that leads many to the comforting hope of religion. death stirs fear in many that do not lend themselves to hopeful fallacies. it can inhibit us so much if we let it. it is illogical to fear something that we know will happen. if we could all dismiss this fear, so much more could be accomplished. it's a pity so little transcend this apprehension.

naturally.

people are selfish, naturally. so it should be no surprise when they let each other down, constantly, but yet it does take me a little off guard. especially people I come to trust. maybe the bubble I grew up in gives me higher expectations of those I call friends or maybe they are just completely oblivious. who knows. really it's how to go about letting them know they let you down that's hard, not trying to offend, but to make sure they know that it did kind of hurt. that is the tricky part.

Missing You

A letter was drafted, that will never meet your eyes. Words of pain at your absence. More than anything I miss our friendship. Our long conversations about every topic there is. Laughing at the most ridiculous things and knowing how to help each other when the days were difficult. Always trying to make things better for the each other and being acutely aware of each other's feelings. 

The person I wanted to tell every little detail of my day. The first person I thought of every time I awoke, the same one I would dream about most nights. The person who I wanted to be the best Me I could be for. 

Life lost meaning when you fell permanently asleep. It still hasn't regained much. It's hard to lose the one you love and your best friend in the same moment. Literally no one to talk to and the one I really wanted to hold me while the tears fell was the one they were falling over. 

You had become everything and I've yet to figure out how to really cope. It just feels as though there is no purpose to life. When the bustle of everyday life came to a halt I realized exactly how much raw emotion I've been hiding from. I'm not sure if I'll ever really be okay, but I'm working on it.

I'll always love you.

a first love

we met through friends and that first night I knew. that you were someone who would matter, I didn't know that would, from then on, be the case. you talked so passionately about things I had never put any effort into, but it was intoxicating. your fervor drew me in. your love of learning, of sharing that knowledge with others, and desire to better the world regardless of how far your reach. your ability to be true to yourself even in the hormonal stage of life that tells us to find our place and fit in. to not hold back and put yourself in such vulnerable situations, and so much more. you had the biggest heart of anyone I'd ever known and no matter how much time we spent together it was never enough. hearing your stories, your dreams, your interests. teasing, cuddling, and just having a really fun time. how different things would have turned out, if I hadn't ended things in a moment of nerves, I have no idea. the idea of us still having such a great time together even now is how I like to picture it. for as long as I live I will hope for your happiness and success in all your dreams. you were the first.

whiplash endured

It's hard to know how to feel. When you get pulled back and forth by someone you care so much about. They've hurt you, you've hurt them. Both make mistakes daily and do their best to show they care. When you find out that you have something hard, something you wish no one would ever have to go through, in common... What then? How then does the situation change? What is to be made of it other than a deeper understanding of the individual? The walls he hides behind now have canvases upon them. It makes you hurt for him, it brings up things you thought were behind you. This time though it isn't as hard, knowing he's been through it too. It angers you to know how he was treated, what he has felt because of others. The ways he lashes out are clearly products of what he's endured. He's starting to make a little sense.

Awake.

We go through this life in stages, stages of consciousness. We are born and completely overwhelmed with this grand world even though we are only shown a small part of it. We peer at everyone and everything with pure curiosity  with the desire to learn. We are born questioning. We are exposed to different people and experiences. We go to school and are conditioned to listen, not to ask, not to seek, but to pay attention so we can pass exams. The desire we are born with slowly being diminished into nothing without most of us even knowing it. Of course this isn't the case for everyone, there are always exceptions. Somewhere along the way a lot of us re-cultivate this desire and start to ask hard questions. We take a step back and look at our beliefs, morals, and lifestyles. We start using logic instead of emotion to drive our decisions. This is when we regain ourselves, when we find out the most about who we are, when we see how we can handle the truth about our existence.

To live.

How to live fully, how to not merely exist... how can I possibly accomplish such a task? Through questioning, exploring, and experiencing other's existence. By never being satisfied with the answers by always wanting to know more. By exploring this planet that's created a balance able to sustain our existence. By valuing the geography, by finding the beauty of every organism.

of mind & body

the mere enormity of existing. of being a living organism with conscious thought. with the ability to learn, create, endure. to feel love, pain, suffering. to have a body that works so intricately that we have to nourish. to exercise, to maintain even though it's dying and growing old our minds are young and vital, but our nutrition and activity is what will keep it in a state of vibrancy. without proper care of our bodies our minds will decay as fast, if not more quickly than our fragile human forms. it is in my opinion that our minds are far stronger, far superior to our feeble bodies. like a clown fish and a sea anemone, our minds could not exist without our bodies.

Sorry doesn't cut it.

You can't let hurtful words flow out of your mouth so freely and expect a "sorry" to erase the damage they did. Knowing enough to say only the things that cut the most, the things that really bring me down. The emotional whiplash you cause is throwing everything else off balance. Bringing up emotions, thoughts, and so much more that were already worked through. Trying so badly to suppress all of these things another time around is so much harder. You're doing more damage than good, please just leave me alone.

Simple

There are days it seems like the only way to survive is just not to move. Not to think, because doing either would make it unbearable. Living can be so truly taxing on the emotional state of self. The only thing I've found to help is simply being held. To have someone you care about wrap their arms around you and just squeeze you tight. It does so much good and it's doubtful they have any idea. At the brink of tears or inner turmoil a simple hug is the solution. It sounds ridiculous, it sounds too easy, but it is the case.

dwindling

Lying in bed, knees curled, I can feel the energy that pulsates through me being pulled from every limb and taken. I lay there empty, convulsing with grief, blinded by tears and swollen eyes, with aching abs and heart. Arms hugging his picture to my chest. Why?... repeating over and over again in my head. I cry till the tears no longer fall. No energy to leave my bed, the hours pass by in sad silence, still clenching the picture tightly to my chest. Attempt to fall asleep but sleep won't come, another day passes, motionless. Hope and minutes dwindle in unison.

Brittle

Shaking so violently it's hard to stay standing. My head bowed, vomit splattering around my feet. Water running down my skin, the warmth not reaching, I can feel every goose-bump. Grasping the wall for support, I lower myself and sit with the water blinding me, hoping the shaking might stop. It doesn't, it's a cold that makes the bones feel brittle.