Negativity

It's hard to see the world through a positive light when you're constantly being forced into a negative perspective. Seeing even scary or "bad" situations as things that produced learning and understanding. Experiences that gave new insight and then hearing how people are evil, how I need to protect myself by hiding away in safe places, how the world is an awful place. I feel as though the world could never truly be an awful place. That people have tendencies brought about by human nature that are both negative and positive, but that it's amazing to be able to experience this existence. It wouldn't be anywhere near as fantastic without the good as well as the bad. The world is a place of beauty. The veins in the leaves, the smell of grass after being trimmed, the chirping of birds that begins minutes before your alarm, pulling you gently out of your dream world into a world that has the potential of being just as fantastical. It's truly all about perspective, about consciously (at first) deciding to look at everything in the positive. Living in the constant state of negativity must be exhausting.

breaking free

the thoughts in my head
swarm around my existence
they leave no room to breathe
no room for understanding
emotions suffocate the swarm
and we're all drowning
my thoughts
my emotions
and me.

there is no more time
it is now or not at all
to fight, to try
to break the spiral
and begin a new path
to break free of the overwhelming
to turn off the thoughts
to see clearly the emotions
and move on.

Trust.

Some are careful about handing this out. Others are less critical and end up getting hurt. At times though all of us give our trust without knowing why. We have some kind of connection with someone that just takes our trust without us necessarily even realizing it at first. We start spilling personal experiences, tell theories and ideas that we normally keep to ourselves, letting them see us when we're vulnerable, letting go when we're with them because for some reason we just know nothing bad will happen. With these people though, when we do realize how easily they received our trust it can be unnerving. How did they slip by? How little we know about this individual and yet we've entrusted so much. Given so much of ourselves when we really don't know them that well at all. At this point though there is not much to be done, other than hope that they are in fact trustworthy. That what was given them is kept safe.

Fading Away

It's a wonder to behold the life slipping out of someone. An aged relative laying in a hospital bed being fed ice because that's all he can swallow. Posterity surrounding him through the last days of his probation. A prideful man with many faults, who has offended you on many an occasion, whom you don't know if you will every fully forgive, but still the tears fill your eyes. With all his faults he still had a family, friends, jobs, the love of his life. Positively or negatively he still touched many lives, he prepared the way for lives to come about. Without him, you would not exist. Without his faults you wouldn't have learned to be so forgiving; you wouldn't have learned what it was that you didn't want to be; you wouldn't have understood life through the eyes of another era.You wouldn't know how it was that you wanted to live.
His eyes are laced with hope, hope that he may see her again. The woman he spent so many years with. Hope that the church he gave his life to is true. Hope that there is a God and that he deems him fit to see those he's loved who've gone before him once more. It's a hope that plagues so many, but if that's what they need I will not try to take it from them. To be able to accept death, something none of us can escape, so many come up with these ideas of what will happen. It's heart wrenching to think about how difficult accepting our end can be for people.
It makes it easier to look at what has been accomplished and the lives that have been touched. Knowing there is an end, not ever being able to give credit or completely discredit some kind of altered existence post-mortem. But knowing you did what you wanted to in life, you gave what you could, you helped lift others up in times of need. You gave life to something or someone. You influenced few or many but you did make a difference in the lives you visited. That is what makes not knowing easier to accept.
The eyes seem unseeing and he's growing cold and unconnected to reality. He's fading and he's almost gone. He touched my life, and countless others, but his life was full and long. I hope to live at least as fully though not on the path he chose.

my new normal

Facing my fears, putting myself in vulnerable situations, opening myself up to trusting people again. It's not glamorous, it doesn't feel good yet, it may never, but I am growing. Learning. Learning the things I'm scared of aren't so terrifying, that being vulnerable may end up hurting me or reaping amazing rewards either of which are worth it. Learning that there are people out there that I can open up to that can help me sort through all the thoughts in my head, that can provide ideas that I've been circling around but just haven't quite put so eloquently. Doing the things that are hard for me is giving me more than I could have ever imagined and opening my eyes to an entirely new side of myself.

bad habit

When looking back on the past there is somewhat of a pattern for the way things are dealt with. Conflicts with friends that just don't seem worth the effort or hassle of remedying? Produces the thought that there are plenty of other people to be friends with. Conflicts with teachers? Change classes. Conflicts with roommates? Move. Death of a friend? Hide away from those things and people that bring up memories. Death of a loved one? Hide from myself in a drunken stupor. Heartbreak? Pretend I didn't care that much and show it by befriending them. I run. I hide. I never face anything. Now that this has been realized... I have to stop this terrible habit from ruining friendships, from holding me back, and from not being true to myself. I have to own my mistakes, emotions, and personal conflicts. No more hiding.

digging

These feelings of hurt that I tried to hide from just keep popping up uninvited. Getting to a point where I think everything might finally be okay. That even though I may never be quite as happy that I may be able to move on from this. That I can pick up the pieces and put myself back together and even though I'll never be the same, that I may resemble the self that everyone once new me as.
Every time I come close though, I fall right back down, not as far, but right back down. Some days it feels as though this valley or hole I find myself in is one in which I'm digging deeper. I lay there in bed staring away into nothingness imagining myself with a shovel as the hurt and pain I'm feeling thickens around me.
Other days I just feel nothing, nothing for anyone or myself. No hunger, no sadness, no thrill, frustration, anger, nothing. Like I'm completely void of all emotion, of all feeling.

little lost

Decisions decisions... on one hand I could be incredibly happy, at least for a while, if I just let myself believe. If I let myself stop asking questions. If I repented for all my "sins" and went back to the church I was raised in. I could become just like every other girl from my graduating class, married with kids before twenty-five.

Being married would bring me joy, for a time, and then the kids, but eventually, when I did have time to ponder again, when the stresses of everyday life slowed down just slightly and I could think... I would hate myself for living a lie. I would hate myself for giving in and living in the cave of ignorance and religious insanity. I would hate myself for marrying some poor guy that believes in eternity and thought that I did too. I would hate myself for lying to him, to my family, and to myself.

It makes me so sad to know I could be happy for awhile, incredibly happy, but that it would only be for awhile and the sadness that followed would not be worth denying myself true answers. It would make everything so much easier, my relationships with my family members, my path in life, dealing with tragedy, everything would be so much easier. That is why religion appeals to me.

Not because I believe, I can't, not unless I busy myself with so much that I can't think, but because it would give me such a sure path and it would be so easy. I've seen lives lived in their entirety through the church. Happy, peaceful... ignorant. I wish so badly I could do that, but at the same time I am so incredibly happy that I have a mind to question.

Where does that leave me though? I don't believe in God, but then who do I answer to? Myself. Who am I to decide right and wrong? Where do I get my moral compass? How do I decide what I want to do with the rest of my life without this neat little path of dos and don'ts all of my friends have? How do I decide anything? I feel so lost, without resolve.

Purge

Excavating my core ideals; leaving a hole where those firmly fixed morals had once been. Where the rules and regulations about how to be a good person had been so carefully placed in my knowledge base; purging it all and beginning again from a space just waiting to be filled by things that can be proven. By things that don't take complete ignorance and blind trust to believe in. This may mean saying goodbye to close friends who will be offended. This may mean an even more unstable relationship with family. Nevertheless it’s an exciting journey, one that lends itself to new concepts. A journey that invites new associations and friendships; one that is freeing of the shackles of organized religions many are born into. An exhilarating, saddening, thought provoking, clearing away of the haze I've been living in. 

Sorry

Being true to myself not letting me be someone's back up plan. Being the number one choice of the now not, it didn't work out with so and so and I miss you sooo much. Bullshit. I don't deserve that. I may not be the most amazing person to you but someone out there will give me the love and respect I deserve. Fuck you. I'm sick of trying to be the good person in this situation and being a shoulder you can cry on. I gave you advice and you gave it no credit. You're in a cloud of adolescent hopes and dreams, of true love, and soul mates  And now you're coming to me, sad that your love doesn't want you... she never did. You let yourself be her back up plan, you let yourself be hurt by her. I can't pick up the pieces of your heart for you. You will never learn if you just go sweet talking yourself into another relationship. You will never learn to put yourself first. I care but that's it. I don't know what else to tell you. Stop using your friends, family, and substances as a crutch. You can pick yourself up, it isn't the end of the world.

Invasion

I have never had a true sanctuary in a home or place of residence, I've always had it in my transportation. In there, even with the windows and cramped space. I hold the key, I know where everything is and I know when it has been tampered with. I can cry, curse, and develop thoughts uninterrupted. I can be completely alone or choose the company I keep.
Invasion of privacy is something that really irritates me more than most things. I cannot understand why people, roommates and family alike, think it's okay to rustle through personal belongings. It just doesn't make sense to me how that would, in any way, be considered okay. Reading personal journals, stealing personal items under the premise of borrowing but with no intention of giving them back. It just makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.
It is possibly my biggest pet peeve and a huge reason why I think I will have to live alone. I can't stand the idea of someone going through my personal things anymore. I have and would like to keep some secrets.

thank you

Shutting down; in confrontation, moments of stress, periods of anguish. It's seriously like an off switch but one that I have no control over anymore. I just shut down there is no reaching me. I'll acknowledge things said but do not expect a response. I'm more safe in silence. I can't break down and let the tears fall. I won't give you the satisfaction. I just can't. You can say I have no emotion, that I'm cold and heartless. You've said them all before. I don't care, I know better, I cry alone.

You'll never understand what kind of effect you've had on me. How you personally shaped a lot of the thoughts that led to the opinions you hold so much hatred for. You made your choice, you planted me in an unloving, trustless world. I tried to see past your biases, past your discrimination and harsh judgments. The more you tried to close my mind, to reign my thoughts you pushed me to open my mind and ask more questions.

I can't be like you. I can't make my future children wonder if they're loved. I can't force them to believe in something, I can only tell them what I know and what I believe. I can't live vicariously through them. I can't implant prejudices in their minds or make cutting comments when they are already at an age of confusion. I won't force them into a self hatred or self loathing through mean remarks, I can't do that to their self esteem.

I can't be you but I'm happy that you were the way you were or I wouldn't be so accommodating, open minded, or curious. I wouldn't find joy in the many things I do. I wouldn't have asked so many questions and may still be in the lull so many in our community are in. Thank you for making me see a million little things I did not want to be. I don't hate you, I never will. You played a big role in helping me be the person I love to be.

sunk

trying so hard to dispel this darkness that has crept upon me. trying to piece together how it swallowed me so entirely. attempting to smile, make jokes and put on a happy facade for those who I associate with. it's crushing and suffocating. somehow it sucks up energy and makes sleep sound like the only appealing thing there is. it's frighteningly powerful and impossible to evade. tears threaten to fall all throughout the day and everything seems to be colorless, tasteless. all of this I could deal with though if I could keep it hidden but my face gives it all away.

open your eyes

     Confusion set in, a complete upheaval of all I had known. All of these facts ingrained by repetition throughout my childhood and youth. Curiosity and conscious thought in myself becoming my family's worst fear. Too much questioning when they have nothing but feelings to back up beliefs. They follow the sect so blindly and give themselves away to faith. Out of fear, ease, or comfort I know not. I know it makes no sense to me. I know I would feel crazy to blindly believe in something based on a feeling that could easily have been heartburn, or just in my head.

     Existence itself is such a marvel to comprehend; A beautiful unfolding of events that created life. To think we are somehow more important than other creatures  is what tempts us to create these false realities where we are reincarnated or resurrected. Our obsession with a divine eternity that we are so bold to think is created for us. Belief in a Deity had it's place in history, it's place was before modern science. It's purpose was to explain what we couldn't.

     Evolution gave us complex critical thinking skills and we use them to create nonsense realities. We kid ourselves because we are so afraid. We are afraid to face death. We are afraid that our existence will mean nothing. We have a desire to feel more important than what in reality we really are. Simply a species with critical thought. Nothing more. A species that may destroy this amazing planet that brought us to existence. Essentially destroying ourselves.

surrender

some give generously this gift that I hold back. they can give themselves so completely to other people; let them into every aspect of their lives. they can share their dreams, their desires, their fears, and mistakes. holding back has been my shield, it's kept me safe from judgement, hurt, and anxiety. the walls I've built are so tall I fear they may never come completely down. it would be amazing to completely give myself to someone else, to trust them so entirely that I could relax every muscle, every fear, and quiet every reservation. words could flow freely without fear of offense, passions could be shared without fear of judgement, experiences could be had that could morph reality just by simply surrendering.