Decisions decisions... on one hand I could be incredibly happy, at least for a while, if I just let myself believe. If I let myself stop asking questions. If I repented for all my "sins" and went back to the church I was raised in. I could become just like every other girl from my graduating class, married with kids before twenty-five.
Being married would bring me joy, for a time, and then the kids, but eventually, when I did have time to ponder again, when the stresses of everyday life slowed down just slightly and I could think... I would hate myself for living a lie. I would hate myself for giving in and living in the cave of ignorance and religious insanity. I would hate myself for marrying some poor guy that believes in eternity and thought that I did too. I would hate myself for lying to him, to my family, and to myself.
It makes me so sad to know I could be happy for awhile, incredibly happy, but that it would only be for awhile and the sadness that followed would not be worth denying myself true answers. It would make everything so much easier, my relationships with my family members, my path in life, dealing with tragedy, everything would be so much easier. That is why religion appeals to me.
Not because I believe, I can't, not unless I busy myself with so much that I can't think, but because it would give me such a sure path and it would be so easy. I've seen lives lived in their entirety through the church. Happy, peaceful... ignorant. I wish so badly I could do that, but at the same time I am so incredibly happy that I have a mind to question.
Where does that leave me though? I don't believe in God, but then who do I answer to? Myself. Who am I to decide right and wrong? Where do I get my moral compass? How do I decide what I want to do with the rest of my life without this neat little path of dos and don'ts all of my friends have? How do I decide anything? I feel so lost, without resolve.
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