thank you

Shutting down; in confrontation, moments of stress, periods of anguish. It's seriously like an off switch but one that I have no control over anymore. I just shut down there is no reaching me. I'll acknowledge things said but do not expect a response. I'm more safe in silence. I can't break down and let the tears fall. I won't give you the satisfaction. I just can't. You can say I have no emotion, that I'm cold and heartless. You've said them all before. I don't care, I know better, I cry alone.

You'll never understand what kind of effect you've had on me. How you personally shaped a lot of the thoughts that led to the opinions you hold so much hatred for. You made your choice, you planted me in an unloving, trustless world. I tried to see past your biases, past your discrimination and harsh judgments. The more you tried to close my mind, to reign my thoughts you pushed me to open my mind and ask more questions.

I can't be like you. I can't make my future children wonder if they're loved. I can't force them to believe in something, I can only tell them what I know and what I believe. I can't live vicariously through them. I can't implant prejudices in their minds or make cutting comments when they are already at an age of confusion. I won't force them into a self hatred or self loathing through mean remarks, I can't do that to their self esteem.

I can't be you but I'm happy that you were the way you were or I wouldn't be so accommodating, open minded, or curious. I wouldn't find joy in the many things I do. I wouldn't have asked so many questions and may still be in the lull so many in our community are in. Thank you for making me see a million little things I did not want to be. I don't hate you, I never will. You played a big role in helping me be the person I love to be.